


Absolution

by Rena



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-13
Updated: 2012-04-13
Packaged: 2017-11-03 14:03:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/382126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rena/pseuds/Rena
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone. Magnus lets go of his ghosts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Absolution

"I don't do regrets," is what he always says and keeps up the perfect mask, the supercilious attitude, and hopes that no one will notice the dark shadows in his eyes.

Magnus has always been a good liar. He constantly lies to the people around him, and even more so to himself. No one can live for centuries without making mistakes, without doing something you later wish you hadn't. But Magnus isn't only a good liar, he is also a master of repression. At least until the night falls.

Everything is fine during the day – he keeps himself occupied, buries himself in work and locks the ghosts that follow him in the attic. But when the shadows creep over the wooden floor and the sun is swallowed by the depths of the night, he cannot pretend he can't see them anymore. Everywhere he turns, they are there, lined up, their hollow eyes staring right through his soul. They lean over his bed when he tries to sleep, and when he shuts his eyes and tries to will the images away, he can almost hear them whisper.

His mother is there, her skin gray and her face twisted in shock and repulsion, an angry blue and red line around her neck where the thick rope grated against her skin, cutting it, and her eyes say _don't you see, this is what you did to me, this is what happened because you exist._

Next in line is his father, standing in a circle of blue flames, and when Magnus looks at him he can almost feel the heat again, and the screams reverberate in his ears, although he doesn't even open his mouth. The look on his face is an admixture of hate, rage and disgust. _You are a monster, a murderer, you don't deserve to be alive._

There is Ragnor Fell, covered in blood and demon stench but luckily still in one piece, which is the only indicator that he isn't real, because there wasn't much left of him when Magnus found him. He frowns and all he says is _disappointed._

Then there is Mary, a small, timid girl he used to date and who killed herself when he left her. Water is dripping from her feet, creating a puddle on the ground. Her skin has the unpleasant colour of those corpses that lay in the water for too long, and she is always crying, _how could you do this to me, how can you be so heartless, don't you know that I loved you?_

Camille is there, her once beautiful complexion twisted. Ash is covering her skin, and every night, he watches her burn in the sunlight again and again and again. _You betrayed me_ , she screams silently, but in his mind the screams are so loud and deafening that they tear him apart.

There are more, but these are the ones Magnus focuses on, because they were the ones closest to him. His biggest regrets.

Every night, they stand by his side, silently, accusingly, and all he wants to do is bury his head in his hand and hide, but he can't, so he tries to work some more or drown his regrets in alcohol or just get through the night to be able to survive the day.

Sometimes he wonders whether God is punishing him, or whether he is punishing himself.

And then he meets Alec. Alec, whose eyes are innocent and as blue as the sky and like portals to a vast, almost infinite world of wonders and who smiles at him as if he were the most important thing in his life and just trusts him and lets himself fall.

He tells himself to stay away from him, because he know he will only ever hurt him – he always ends up hurting the ones he loves, and Alec does not deserve to be hurt. But once he is over Jace, Alec is surprisingly persistent and stubborn and refuses to leave his side.

He holds him through his nightmares and, although Magnus never tells him what he dreams about, he figures it out anyway. His grip is strong on Magnus's arm and his lips are soft against his cheek as he whispers _they are only shadows of the past, they don't matter, let it go, let it all go, stop hurting yourself, they are only here because you want them to be, you need to forgive yourself._

_I love you._

Magnus exhales and lets go, and they vanish in front of his eyes.


End file.
